i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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