The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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