i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
