allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
