I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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