I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
