I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
