textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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