wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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