I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
