those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
