I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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