My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
