that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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