We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize