Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
