quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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