I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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