Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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