Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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