I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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