clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
