Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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