So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize