Ambien. No doubt about it.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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