Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
