On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
