I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
