HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize