i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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