I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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