he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
