My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
