Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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