I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
