There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
