Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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