im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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