do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
