life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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