My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
