life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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