I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
