Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
