I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
