PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
