I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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