just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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