Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
