you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
