I can text with my tongue
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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