I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
