the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
