I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize