I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
