so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
