my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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