woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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