but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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