I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
