My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
